When Is My Child’s Reaction to Divorce is a Serious Problem?
December 7, 2009
Divorce is stressful. To Mom. To Dad. And often even more so…to the children involved.
The effects of divorce are well-documented, and are a source of concern. (It’s important to know however, that you can avoid many of these disastrous effects by making wise parenting or co-parenting choices as you transition through the divorce.)
How Children React to Divorce
It’s important to note that all children have problems coping with stress, so it’s difficult for parents to know when they should worry. Yet, children differ greatly. Some cope better than others. Some wear their stress on their sleeve…and the degree of drama may be more than the actual threat.
At other times, our children keep their struggles to themselves. Boys may have a tendency to not verbalize, and yet act out a bit more. Girls tend to be more verbal about their feelings, yet the loyalties of divorce may lead them to compromise speaking their truth. The onset of an unexpected family crisis can be frightening and hard for a young person to understand. As a parent, it’s common to feel helpless and frustrated, even embarrassed.
Children of divorce might want to pretend like nothing is wrong, but they are not always able to cope with their symptoms, and are even less able to cope when they are stressed, tired, and upset. Learning to face crises in a healthy manner is a key part of growing up. Often parents think that kids are resilient and can handle anything. While kids may act brave, they need tools to cope and adopt positive, healthy strategies. These tools can be powerful aides for them during this crisis and will also be invaluable when they face future struggles.
When parents decide to divorce, it is time to actively develop a co-parenting plan for the family. (It is essential to learn about effective parenting plans that protect children from the adverse effects of a poorly handled divorce.)
What Are Some of the Typical Reactions Children Have to Divorce?
Children may react in very different ways. The following responses can be seen at home, at school, or in multiple settings.
- Feeling guilty or responsible for the divorce
- Feeling sad, but may present as sensitive, reactive or easily hurt
- Feeling uncontrollable anger but not able to explain it
- Feeling numb or overwhelmed, and blaming anything but the divorce
- Feeling fearful of abandonment, and clinging to pets or belongings, as well as mommy or daddy
- Feeling great loss, similar to that of a parent dying, especially when parents show their own deep feelings of loss or hurt
- Not being able to pay attention and being easily distracted
- Feeling and acting impulsively, which can result in a child doing dangerous and risky things (more often adolescents)
It’s important to note that several recent studies (summarized by a recent publication in the Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine) have emphasized that a child’s first reactions to divorce don’t predict how well they will cope in later life. Some kids who seem completely overwhelmed will recover in later years and thrive in their personal relationships and at work.
But some kids who seem to be adjusting well may be the ones who will be deeply and severely affected later on. This means that it’s so very important to give your child tools to communicate and cope, regardless of their initial response to the family’s divorce. Often the child who seems unaffected is simply pushing their emotions “underground” and thus the absence of feelings is really the wall protecting a deep set of feelings.
Please note however that this is not true for the majority of children. Many children show upsets, express their feelings and work through them with parents.
Creating a home environment where it’s okay to discuss feelings is important. Perhaps equally important is the need for parents to communicate to children the sense that “we will all get through this… and you will be okay.” These are the types of parenting tools that protect children by giving them personal resources that sustain them throughout difficult times. More of these tools are available in the Divorce Family Guide.
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