Three Mistakes Parents Must Avoid When Parenting After Divorce
December 21, 2009
While the terrible two’s have a reputation for misery, most of us find that the challenges of raising children only increase with time. As our children age, our techniques of parenting must mature with our children. Let’s add in the stress of a divorce, the daily demands of parenting and the challenges of co-parenting. It’s enough to use up all the resources in our parenting toolbox!
Have you found that yourself saying the same things over and over…but now louder and louder? Do you give in more easily in hopes of getting a better child, but find the behavior worsens? Has your child’s become less respectful, less motivated or less cooperative? Does the divorce add a confusing element that makes you ‘soft’ on your parenting…when you used to be firm? At the end of your parenting rope…at times?
If so, you are not alone. Studies consistently show that divorce tends to leave many parents with painful compromises in their parenting. Consistent parents become inconsistent. Decisions that used to be easy become hard.
And children change as well. The challenging child has become unbearable. The studious child refuses to do her homework. The once cooperative siblings are ‘at it’ all the time. The teen now wants to be in your business all the time.
Add to that…the respectful, well behaved pre-adolescent changes over night, and is now combative, oppositional, and argumentative… and you are at your wits end!
Well, not all is lost. There are significant choices that will help you in both the short and long term.
The Three Biggest Mistakes Divorcing Parents Make
Before discussing this section, let’s be clear: This divorce stuff is not easy. It’s hard. In fact, harder than most imagine it to be…regardless of the situation.
Having said that, here are the three mistakes that parents can quickly correct and get things back on track.
1. Blaming everything on the other parent.
This is number one because so many parents do this. And, it’s understandable.
Many times, there are errors being made ‘on the other side of the fence.’ And most often, we can’t do anything about it.
And this is why it’s such an important mistake to come to grips with. The more we invest our energy and attention on things we can’t control…the more we get seduced into believing that all that struggle is actually of value.
It’s not! (Well…rarely is it of value.) Why? Because rarely is the other parent eager to hear your opinions on things, or motivated to change based on your wishes..
But more importantly, every moment we spend focused ‘over there’ is a moment we surrender our peace and happiness, and also neglect our parenting growth.
Few divorcing parents like to hear this, as there is such interest in getting hooked on discussions of what the other parent needs to do…because this doesn’t require the ‘complainer’ to accept responsibility for fully stepping up to be the best possible parent.
Bottom line: Stop focusing over there…and turn your attention to everything you can do to be the best parent possible. That’s where you will get return for your emotional investment.
2. Winning allegiance by softening limits and expectations.
This mistake is also quite common, and frequently divorcing parents believe that there is justification: “The divorce is tough enough….so I will go easy on him/her.”
This is dead wrong. Kids need structure and consistency, and every study of divorce that has looked at this issue finds that these children struggle more than children who have parents who remain firm, clear and consistent.
It is easy to want to buy more, give in more often and get lax on bedtime or video games and the like. Of course, most children will push you for this. But their desires are not allies. In fact, that is often the case for most of us. The things we typically crave for immediate gratification are ultimately lacking in long term value, so our children actually need us to say ‘no.’ The limits teach them habits, that will serve them long after the pain of the divorce has passed.
3. Talking to children about ‘grown-up’ issues.
I often get asked, “It’s really okay to treat some kids like they are adults.because they talk about the divorce is adult ways with me. Right?”
Wrong. Again, dead wrong. Yes, your bright, capable pre-adolescent or teen can discuss topics with very adult language, but it doesn’t mean their understanding or judgment is at your level. More importantly, it is impossible for even the best intentioned parent to keep their biases out of such discussions
The topics should never turn to adult level conversations, such as who is responsible for the divorce, or why the divorce happened, or how mom/dad is being stupid/wrong/evil. Even comments about money, moral behavior or the other parents personal habits usually fall into adult perspectives and play a biasing role.
It’s not fair to your child.
And, the allegiance gained from such conversations is not in your child’s best long term interest.
Children cannot be brought into adult level dialogue about the divorce, or it will ultimately harm them. Of course, they will often want to join you there, but it doesn’t mean that it’s good for them.
Correct these three errors, and you are on your way to getting back on track!
Incoming search terms for the article:
- the five biggest mistakes parents make during their divorce that harm children
- biggest parenting mistakes after divorce
- biggest mistakes divorced parents make
- terribles twos divorce
- terrible twos vs divorce
- terrible twos behavior during divorce
- terrible twos and divorce
- PARENTS mistakes with children during divorce
- parenting errors in divorce
- parenting errors
