Have you found that your parenting skills seem to be failing you? Has your child changed?  Does the divorce add a confusing element that makes you soft when you used to be firm?

This young, respectful, well behaved pre-adolescent has changed over night! Now combative, hitting, arguing and you are at your wits end! As our children transition from pre-adolescents to adolescents of their life, parents are often concerned with disciplining their adolescent. Children become more challenging as they grow up, they tend to become uncontrollable. A parent’s first response is to attempt to control the child.

When dealing with children who are moving through those preadolescent and adolescent years, our tendency is often to fluctuate between too little and too much control.   We speak to them as they were our friends at times, and at other times we talk as if we have control over them (and we don’t).  We make the same mistake with younger children, but often we get by with it for years.

It’s Okay To Treat Them As If They are On an Adult Level?

No, it’s not.

I hope that doesn’t sound ambiguous, as this point is critical.   Yes, your bright, capable teen can discuss topics with very adult language, but it doesn’t mean their judgment is at your level.

More importantly, it is critical that decision making remain with you, and is not something you leave open for dialogue.  If you do so, then most teens will end up calling the shots.  And that won’t end up pretty…

It doesn’t mean you are a dictator.  It does mean you ask for input perhaps, but you do not ask for their opinion on your choice.  You make the decision.

And you keep adult level conversations in the adult world.  In divorce situations, this is particularly problematic as many parents seek comfort in the discussions they have with their adolescents about the divorce.

Not good.  Seriously…not good.

Children cannot be brought into adult level dialogue about the divorce, or it will ultimately harm them.  Of course, they will often want to join you there, but it doesn’t mean that it’s good for them.

Do We Control Our Children?

When things start to move out of control, what do we do?  We tend to start making demands and talking to our children as if our words should control their actions.

It usually doesn’t work.  Why?  Because the bottom line is that we don’t control our children.  The more that we end up falling into the trap of trying to control them, when we don’t have control, the more we end up in futile battles and constant struggles.

Let’s review what it sounds like when you’re really trying to control your kids, and it’s not working.  It could sound like any of these comments:

• “Cut that out.”
• “Put that away.”
• “Put that down.”
• “Stop hitting your brother.”
• “You’re going to eat everything on your plate.”
• “Clean up your room.”
• “Do your homework.”
• “Get off the phone.”

You notice the theme.  You’re responding and talking to your kids as if you did have control.

As adults, do we like to be talked to in this way?  Of course not!  And neither do your kids.

So what’s the alternative?

The alternative is to shift your focus from controlling your kids to controlling the environment.  As a single parent, this is a life-saving strategy to master.  This is a critical distinction that shifts your focus from the illusion of having control over your kids (because you don’t) to the reality of what you do control…your environment.

In fact, you control everything that your kids really care about.  You control whether or not the electricity works, whether there is a TV or cable in the house, whether the car goes to soccer practice, whether the phone works, and even what food is in the refrigerator.  You control everything that they care about.

So instead of trying to focus on controlling your kids, I encourage you to focus on controlling the environment in response to your children’s choices.  If you keep your focus here, you can now control the consequences to every choice!  Your children then begin to learn from the consequences of their choices.

And children going through divorce actually need those firm limits that come from your focus on controlling the environment…and not controlling them.  Those limits represent security and comfort, and bring them a sense of knowing that someone is in control (and know what they are doing).

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Have you found that yourself saying the same things over and over…but now louder and louder? Do you give in more easily in hopes of getting a better child, but find the behavior worsens?  Has your child’s  become less respectful, less motivated  or less cooperative?  Does the divorce add a confusing element that makes you ‘soft’ on your parenting…when you used to be firm?  At the end of your parenting rope…at times?

If so, you are not alone.  Studies consistently show that divorce tends to leave many parents with painful compromises in their parenting.   Consistent parents become inconsistent.  Decisions that used to be easy become hard.

And children change as well.  The challenging child has become unbearable.  The studious child refuses to do her homework.  The once cooperative siblings are ‘at it’ all the time.  The teen now wants to be in your business all the time.

Add to that…the respectful, well behaved pre-adolescent changes over night, and is now combative, oppositional, and argumentative… and you are at your wits end!

Well, not all is lost.  There are significant choices that will help you in both the short and long term.

The Three Biggest Mistakes Divorcing Parents Make

Before discussing this section, let’s be clear:  This divorce stuff is not easy.  It’s hard.  In fact, harder than most imagine it to be…regardless of the situation.

Having said that, here are the three mistakes that parents can quickly correct and get things back on track.

1. Blaming everything on the other parent.

This is number one because so many parents do this.  And, it’s understandable.

Many times, there are errors being made ‘on the other side of the fence.’  And most often, we can’t do anything about it.

And this is why it’s such an important mistake to come to grips with.  The more we invest our energy and attention on things we can’t control…the more we get seduced into believing that all that struggle is actually of value.

It’s not!  (Well…rarely is it of value.)  Why?  Because rarely is the other parent eager to hear your opinions on things, or motivated to change based on your wishes..

But more importantly, every moment we spend focused ‘over there’ is a moment we surrender our peace and happiness, and also neglect our parenting growth.

Few divorcing parents like to hear this, as there is such interest in getting hooked on discussions of what the other parent needs to do…because this doesn’t require the ‘complainer’ to accept responsibility for fully stepping up to be the best possible parent.

Bottom line:  Stop focusing over there…and turn your attention to everything you can do to be the best parent possible.  That’s where you will get return for your emotional investment.

2. Winning allegiance by softening limits and expectations.

This mistake is also quite common, and frequently divorcing parents believe that there is justification:  “The divorce is tough enough….so I will go easy on him/her.”

This is dead wrong.  Kids need structure and consistency, and every study of divorce that has looked at this issue finds that these children struggle more than children who have parents who remain firm, clear and consistent.

It is easy to want to buy more, give in more often and get lax on bedtime or video games and the like.  Of course, most children will push you for this.  But their desires are not allies.  In fact, that is often the case for most of us.  The things we typically crave for immediate gratification are ultimately lacking in long term value, so our children actually need us to say ‘no.’  The limits teach them habits, that will serve them long after the pain of the divorce has passed.

3. Talking to children about ‘grown-up’ issues.

I often get asked, “It’s really okay to treat some kids like they are adults.because they talk about the divorce is adult ways with me. Right?”

Wrong.  Again, dead wrong.  Yes, your bright, capable pre-adolescent or teen can discuss topics with very adult language, but it doesn’t mean their understanding or judgment is at your level.  More importantly, it is impossible for even the best intentioned parent to keep their biases out of such discussions

The topics should never turn to adult level conversations, such as who is responsible for the divorce, or why the divorce happened, or how mom/dad is being stupid/wrong/evil.  Even comments about money, moral behavior or the other parents personal habits usually fall into adult perspectives and play a biasing role.

It’s not fair to your child.

And, the allegiance gained from such conversations is not in your child’s best long term interest.

Children cannot be brought into adult level dialogue about the divorce, or it will ultimately harm them.  Of course, they will often want to join you there, but it doesn’t mean that it’s good for them.

Correct these three errors, and you are on your way to getting back on track!

It is critical to effectively communicate with your child and support them through this unstable time.  Addressing your child’s needs in inappropriate ways (or failing to address them) may develop into many more serious problems, including depression, anxiety, conduct disorders, and serious academic underperformance. This brief article explores the effects of divorce on children and the best ways to help them through the restructuring process.  This articles provides an overview to parents seeking guidance, and explains why parenting or co-parenting  therapy is a wonderfully effective approach to treating this confusing time in the life of your child.

The key points to remember are:

• Divorce is a distressing time which may seriously interfere with your child’s short- and long-term functioning, leading to problems at home and in school.
• Divorce used to be considered a short- or mid-term crisis. But what’s becoming more apparent is that divorce often occurs in families who have been experiencing conflict for a long time: families whose communication styles and  parenting may have been dysfunctional for a long time.  This means that some children are less equipped to bravely face the challenge of a newly restructured lifestyle.
• If not properly treated, the effects of divorce increase the chance that your child may suffer from low self-esteem, academic and occupational underachievement, unhealthy relationships, depression, and anxiety.

• Current treatments include behavior modification therapy, co-parenting therapy, individual therapy, and sometimes medication.

• Children’s behavioral medications rarely work to solve behavioral struggles over the long-term, have not been tested enough, and have short- and long-term risks that parents should know about.
• Medication is not a solution!  While it may be necessary in some cases, it should only be viewed as a complement to behavior-based approaches, or parenting education and training.

• Parenting training, in the form of behavioral types of treatment, is a proven and successful method that gives you the tools you need to help your child cope.

• The parent plays a key role in shaping their child’s coping skills and behaviors, which can be achieved through specific behavior therapy plans.

Reason for Hope:

These findings can be misleading, if we fail to see the critical role that parents play in shaping the world that children experience. 

Bad choices by parents compromise a child’s capacity to cope with the demands of divorce.  When this goes on for some time, the child’s ability to recover from these parental mistakes grows weaker and weaker.

On the other hand, healthy, child-focused decisions that keep parent emotions away from the child, and avoid putting the child in the middle of any parenting differences, are one significant source of relief for children.

The full solution is more complex, and you can a host of practical, healthy ways to protect your children at www.DivorceFamilyGuide.com.

The effects of divorce are well-documented, and are a source of concern.  (It’s important to know however, that you can avoid many of these disastrous effects by making wise parenting or co-parenting choices as you transition through the divorce.)

How Children React to Divorce

It’s important to note that all children have problems coping with stress, so it’s difficult for parents to know when they should worry. Yet, children differ greatly.  Some cope better than others.  Some wear their stress on their sleeve…and the degree of drama may be more than the actual threat.

At other times, our children keep their struggles to themselves.  Boys may have a tendency to not verbalize, and yet act out a bit more. Girls tend to be more verbal about their feelings, yet the loyalties of divorce may lead them to compromise speaking their truth. The onset of an unexpected family crisis can be frightening and hard for a young person to understand. As a parent, it’s common to feel helpless and frustrated, even embarrassed.

Children of divorce might want to pretend like nothing is wrong, but they are not always able to cope with their symptoms, and are even less able to cope when they are stressed, tired, and upset. Learning to face crises in a healthy manner is a key part of growing up.  Often parents think that kids are resilient and can handle anything.  While kids may act brave, they need tools to cope and adopt positive, healthy strategies.  These tools can be powerful aides for them during this crisis and will also be invaluable when they face future struggles.

When parents decide to divorce, it is time to actively develop a co-parenting plan for the family. (It is essential to learn about effective parenting plans that protect children from the adverse effects of a poorly handled divorce.)

What Are Some of the Typical Reactions Children Have to Divorce?

Children may react in very different ways.  The following responses can be seen at home, at school, or in multiple settings.

• Feeling guilty or responsible for the divorce
• Feeling sad, but may present as sensitive, reactive or easily hurt
• Feeling uncontrollable anger but not able to explain it
• Feeling numb or overwhelmed, and blaming anything but the divorce
• Feeling fearful of abandonment, and clinging to pets or belongings, as well as mommy or daddy
• Feeling great loss, similar to that of a parent dying, especially when parents show their own deep feelings of loss or hurt
• Not being able to pay attention and being easily distracted
• Feeling and acting impulsively, which can result in a child doing dangerous and risky things (more often adolescents)

It’s important to note that several recent studies (summarized by a recent publication in the Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine) have emphasized that a child’s first reactions to divorce don’t predict how well they will cope in later life.  Some kids who seem completely overwhelmed will recover in later years and thrive in their personal relationships and at work.

But some kids who seem to be adjusting well may be the ones who will be deeply and severely affected later on.   This means that it’s so very important to give your child tools to communicate and cope, regardless of their initial response to the family’s divorce.  Often the child who seems unaffected is simply pushing their emotions “underground” and thus the absence of feelings is really the wall protecting a deep set of feelings.

Please note however that this is not true for the majority of children.  Many children show upsets, express their feelings and work through them with parents.

Creating a home environment where it’s okay to discuss feelings is important.   Perhaps equally important is the need for parents to communicate to children the sense that “we will all get through this… and you will be okay.”  These are the types of parenting tools that protect children by giving them personal resources that sustain them throughout difficult times.  More of these tools are available in the Divorce Family Guide.

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Yet, most parents go into the divorce without ever developing a carefully researched and thoughtful plan.  Yet, the studies do clearly suggest that certain choices hurt children, and others help to protect children.

It is often the courts, and attorneys, who help do guide parents in their decision making about how to co parent and share their time with the children.  Yet, when children are in crisis, parents rarely think in terms of developing a therapeutic game plan to help their child.

Why is it important to have a Therapeutic Plan in Place?

It is very important to prioritize your child’s mental health during divorce, particularly when significant changes are noted. Children can easily feel like they are lost at this time.

Parents need to be aware of any significant changes on the part of the child. Indicators of risk include:

• Sustained changes in sleeping
• Change in eating
• Staying in room, quiet and disinterested in family activity
• No interest in normal play activities
• More aggression and hostility
• Compliant child becomes non-compliant
• More sibling battles and fights
• Unable to concentrate or focus

While an initial discussion and or the actual change of residence might bring about any or all of these symptoms for a few days, parents should particularly be on the lookout for sustained changes that maintain over a few weeks.

If not treated, the child may be at risk for developing a conduct disorder, anxiety disorders and depressive disorders. Not treating conditions properly may also lead to low self-esteem, lower academic performance, problems making and keeping friends, strained family relationships, and sometimes to anti-social behavior (including drug and alcohol abuse and early sexual experiences).

When parents get divorced, the entire family unit suffers. The symptoms expressed by your child might overwhelm your family’s ability to cope. Pressure and tension may spread into other family and school relationships, and a therapeutic plan that addresses the whole family system is often helpful.

What are Options to Help My Child Cope?

Different types of treatments have been put into place for children and adolescents of divorce.  Treatments are often influenced by a child’s unique situation.

Treatment options include lifestyle modifications (discussed below), behavioral management, group and individual counseling, and sometimes medication. Because divorce is a family issue, family interventions and other family therapeutic plans are often implemented.  Individual therapy is sometimes recommended, including play therapy for young children, and group therapy may be appropriate for older children.

Most children and adolescents will respond well to plans that identify and focus on their unique reaction to divorce.  A successful plan will also focus on their strengths, give them a consistent environment, and provide a safe place where they can openly share their feelings. In general, proper treatment is holistic and sees the vital role of the entire family.

Lifestyle modifications can be a wonderful component to behavioral management.  Exercise and plenty of sleep help alleviate stress. Exercise has shown to promptly increase the levels of dopamine and norepinephrine – neurochemicals vital to calm and focused minds. Exercise also helps to decrease impulsive or reactive behaviors, as some studies say that exercise “wakes up” the frontal cortex in our brains. This is the part of the brain that helps us control our actions and exercise prudence and good judgment.

Yet it is often difficult to integrate lifestyle changes when your child is distressed. That’s where behavior management comes into play!  Behavior management helps establish tools for coping, and gives parents tools for changing behavior without being controlling or confrontational.

It also encourages appropriate behaviors in the classroom and at home, and helps to provide social skills training to help your child learn to manage their emotions.

Medication may be recommended by your child’s pediatrician or psychiatrist. While medication can sometimes help alleviate your child’s response to divorce, it’s important to know some basic facts about behavior medications.  First, there are many side effects.  Second, parents and children who have used these medications have found that it’s not a miracle cure, but instead is often just masking the real problems.

Third, psychiatrists point out that there haven’t been enough well-designed clinical trials to adequately test pediatric medications. In fact, it is absolutely critical to note that even though researchers publish studies about potentially promising medications, very few medications have yet to receive formal approval from the licensing authorities, either in the United States or Europe.

Unfortunately, many physicians are not trained at all in behavioral psychology. Likewise, psychologists are not trained to understand medications well. Medicine and psychology are two separate disciplines that overlap in important ways, especially when it comes to treating your child’s emotional and behavioral problems. It is essential to focus on treatments that address the underlying causes, and do not just put band-aids upon the real problems.

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In some situations, parents seek to relocate hours away from their ex partner.  The courts, and many mental health professionals, have often supported such relocations based upon the presumptive value of a stable custodial parent finding happiness and support with their extended family or perhaps a new partner or new employment.

This can be a touchy topic for parents going through divorce.  And yet, it is difficult if not impossible, to accurately claim that we know for certain a particular choice is in the “best interest” of a child.

There are times when parents divorce, and it is clear that their relationship is highly dysfunctional and having both parents involved causes harm to children.  This is an extremely rare situation, and applies to those parents where there is violence, or extreme personality disorders, or perhaps there is a psychotic or substance abuse parent.  Again, these are relatively rare situations, and are best evaluated by an independent expert.

This is not the norm for parents who are going through a fairly typical divorce, and are angry and unhappy with each other.  This is not the norm for most couples.  In most situations, having both parents involved is good for children.

In the past, mental health professionals  frequently supported the overwhelming importance  of the primary caretaker.  In other words, we have valued that role in a way that minimized the importance of the parent who may be the breadwinner for the family (often, but not always, dad).  Yet, most of us are able to recognize that this doesn’t make sense for the modern family where both parents play a very active role in the children’s lives.  Now, recent data supports what most of us intuitively understand:

Children need both of their parents.

Some fascinating data has emerged in recent years.  Within four years of separation and divorce, about one fourth of mothers with custody move to a new location.  Many fathers obviously disagree with this move, and this poses a dilemma for the courts.  In essence, the court struggles with a custodial parent’s desire to create better circumstances for themselves versus the interest of the non-custodial parent’s desire to maintain frequent contact with their children.

In the past, the laws have treated this in an unpredictable manner.  Judges have been free to interpret the law in a way that leads to inconsistent decisions.

While the legal issues here are considerably complex, new evidence emerges when we focus the effect upon children.  By 1998, there was not a single study that had examined this.

However, in a 2003 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, researchers looked at the affect of relocation, as reported by college students who had experienced a divorce.

The data in this study are quite compelling, and worthy for parents to consider.

Researchers found eleven variables that demonstrated significant effects for college students.  For children whose parent’s relocated more than an hour away, they were disadvantaged on the following variables:

• Less financial support for college expenses.
• More worry about college expenses.
• Decrease personal and emotional adjustment.
• Decrease general life satisfaction.
• Larger degree of hostility.
• Greater internal turmoil and distress.
• More impairment in rapport with parents.
• Less respect for parents as role models.
• Parental relationship between each other significantly impaired.
• Global health reduced (primarily for girls)

These results point to a common sense conclusion supported by most parents who remain together:  “the kids need both parents.”   There was no data to support this general conclusion until recently.  However, these results are quite compelling.

In my program, Terrific Parenting Through Divorce, I discuss the importance of these issues, and the kinds of critical decisions parents can make to buffer their children from the impact of divorce.

More often than not, parents can make better choices, and those better choices protect children from the most devastating effects of divorce.

These comments are critical, as we begin to review the effects of divorce on children.  The findings summarized below are not the full truth, as this is very complex.  A range of factors affect children.  These include parental anger, how much children are exposed to hostility, the length of litigation, prior levels of dysfunction in the family, substance abuse in the home, quality of parent-child relationships, and the degree to which children experience changes in schedule, schools, and contact with family.  As you can see, there are many factors which then impact children… which actually make these summaries only a partial view of the reality of divorce for any family.

What are some of the Effects of Divorce on Children?

Each child has their own unique personality and biological predisposition which influences their reaction to divorce (and any of the stressful challenges noted above). The stability of their home life and social settings also plays an important role. The parent’s role is of utmost importance in how a child responds and copes. Sometimes a child’s stressors and psychological distress are so great that their behavior meets the criteria for one or more psychiatric disorders. These disorders include:

• Depressive Disorders. In this case, the child has a significantly depressed mood, may be irritable, agitated, or fatigued, and may suffer from feelings of worthlessness.
• Anxiety Disorders. In this case, a child may worry excessively and experience great anxiety.
• Conduct Disorder. In this case, the child exhibits persistent behaviors of aggression, destruction of property, or deceitfulness or theft. These children act in socially irresponsible ways and violate the basic rights of others.
• Adjustment Disorders.   In this case, the child develops behavioral or emotional symptoms in response to a distressing event such as divorce, resulting in significant impairment in their school work or social functioning.

The age of your child also shapes their response to divorce. Younger children tend to feel guilty and responsible for the divorce. The often appear burdened by divorce, especially in the early elementary years. Middle elementary children tend to be more black-white in their thinking, and may want to decide good and bad.

Adolescents suffer in different ways.  Adolescence is tricky enough to navigate without the additional distress of divorce: this time is fraught with increased expectations and additional academic and social pressure. It’s during this time that your child begins to crave independence and is likely to be exposed to alcohol, drugs, sexual activity, and other risky behaviors.  It’s not as easy time to have an additional source of instability. During this time, teens of divorced families might feel like they are in the center of a whirlwind and are likely to go through periods of exhaustion, unpredictable behavior, rejection of one parent, as well as more impulsive, acting out types of behavior.

A child experiencing divorce needs special attention so that they can overcome their symptoms and succeed in school and at home.  But with the right approach, kids find that their stress levels, self-esteem, and relationships improve.  Make sure you have given everything you can to learning the tools that help to protect children during these tough times.

It is these families who also end up in the court system, and are often engaged with Child Protective Services or with mental health professionals.

These are also the families who often cause the most distress for family court judges, law guardians, matrimonial attorneys, and mental health professionals.  Often, these families contain parents who struggle with depression, substance abuse, personality disorders, and a wealth of dysfunctional patterns.

Mental Health Professionals who have worked with these families are aware that the intense conflict is unhealthy for children, yet it can be helpful to gain clarity about the degree to which such high conflict puts children at risk.

As you read this, please be careful NOT to minimize the fact that a range of factors have been associated with the struggles of children following divorce.  Yet, there are a number of consistent findings which demand that we pay greater attention to the role of intense conflict upon children.

Why?  Because we can do something about this before the effects are so devastating for children.

In this article, I will not offer an exhaustive review of the research.  Instead, my focus is upon the intense impact of conflict, and the options that we have to potentially help children in these situations.

1. Parent to parent conflict is bad for children.

There is some findings in the divorce literature that can be debated.  This is one which simply cannot be questioned. The data are overwhelming (Ayoub, Detsch and araganore, 1999) (Amato & Keith, 1991)

Research is also clear that as the level of conflict increases, so do the difficulties that children experience (Sales, anber and Rohman, 1992).  These findings are clear not only for post divorce relationships, but this also applies to intact family situations.  When there is increased parental conflict, children’s adjustments deteriorate.

2.  Parental conflict is more of a threat than is the divorce.

There is a growing body of literature which argues that divorce does create challenges for children.  Yet, when handled well, these are challenges which children tend to adjust to in a reasonable fashion.

What children are not able to handle is the conflict between parents.  Again, this is upheld in the research that looks at intact families, where violence or extreme conflict in the home is one of the most reliable predictors of poor adjustment by a child.

3.  Witnessing violence between parents is powerfully unsettling.

Children who witness violence between their parents are clearly at greatest risk for future adjustment difficulties (Amato & Keith, 1991; Ayoub et al, 1999; Jekielek, 1998) In fact, it appears that the witnessing of violence in the home opens up the source of fear and concern for children
that is difficult to overcome.  While ongoing exposure is clearly the most traumatic, even exposure to a single episode of violence is potentially traumatic to children. It is important to note that there is some literature that suggests that children who witness violence in the home
become at greater risk of being victims of physical abuse themselves.  However, the findings in the literature vary greatly on this variable.  However, Apple and Holden reviewed thirty one studies of the co occurrence of spousal abuse and physical abuse (1998).  They found a forty ercent co-occurrence.  Thus, in situations where children are witnessing spousal abuse, there appears to be a forty
percent risk of child abuse.  While this is certainly higher than the overall average, it is also not nearly high as has been speculated at times in the past.

4.  Substance abuse increases the risk of violence, and thus the risk of maladjustment for children.

While this is common sense, it needs to be stated.  When there is abuse in the home, there is an increased risk of violence.

It is unclear as to the precise degree that substance abuse puts children at risk in a high conflict situation.  Yet we do know that substance abuse increases the risk of violence. The risk of violence increases the threat to children.

What can we do?

As professionals working with high conflict families, it often feels as if our hands are tied with regard to protecting children.  Most of us have probably experienced frustrating efforts to educate parents about the need to reduce their volatility, and yet find children exposed to repeated episodes of conflict or violence.

Nonetheless, it appears that certain guidelines can be put in place, which helps to reduce the risk of exposure.  These include:

1. Keeping high conflict parents apart.

The easiest way to prevent conflict with these volatile families is to make certain that their exposure to one another is limited.  These are the situations which often require mutual exchange points, the use of family members to assist in exchanges, and the absence of direct contact.

While it is somewhat appealing to argue that counseling should help these parents deal with one another, it is also
true that many of these families have emotional or psychological disorders, and simply do not seem to learn or
benefit from treatment.  If the focus is then upon protecting children, it is essential to simply keep these families apart.

2.  When volatile parents are still together, encourage rapid solutions that protect the rights of both parents.

There are times when highly volatile parents remain together as they engage in their legal struggles.  At times, these situations involve histories of spousal abuse.  At other times, they are simply highly volatile situations with many episodes of screaming and yelling. All of these are harmful to children.

When prioritizing the needs of children, it can be helpful to remain cognizant of the ongoing damage that this does to children.  When constantly keeping this in mind, I can then
comfortably encourage parents to establish schedules which avoid their direct contact with one another.  When there is a long history of sustained conflict, there is little reason to believe that this will change without the benefit of some substantial period of time.

3.  Find children treatment with a trauma specialist.

Children who are exposed to intense conflict or violence in the home often end up with diagnostically significant symptomology.  Many parents are in denial of the need for treatment.  Yet, the research would suggest that the exposure to such situations are traumatic to children.  When approached as such, there may not be the need for ongoing long term supportive counseling.  Instead, treatment from a specialist prepared to handle trauma can be the most effective.  With many of the more encouraging intervention strategies available, treatment does not need to be a relentless series of sessions with a therapist who repeatedly reviews the history of trauma, and the child who grows increasingly disinterested in counseling.

The bottom line here is quite simple. When there is credible indications of violence, and children have been exposed to this, there is the utmost urgent need to help get children out of these situations. The more we do so, the more symptomology will be eliminated. When this is combined with effective treatment, focused on reduction of the traumatic memories, then children can heal.