Divorce and Parenting: The Pre-Adolescent to Adolescent Child
December 28, 2009
As children age our techniques of parenting must change with them. Let’s add in a divorce, and the challenges of co-parenting. It’s enough to use up all the resources in our parenting toolbox!
Have you found that your parenting skills seem to be failing you? Has your child changed? Does the divorce add a confusing element that makes you soft when you used to be firm?
This young, respectful, well behaved pre-adolescent has changed over night! Now combative, hitting, arguing and you are at your wits end! As our children transition from pre-adolescents to adolescents of their life, parents are often concerned with disciplining their adolescent. Children become more challenging as they grow up, they tend to become uncontrollable. A parent’s first response is to attempt to control the child.
When dealing with children who are moving through those preadolescent and adolescent years, our tendency is often to fluctuate between too little and too much control. We speak to them as they were our friends at times, and at other times we talk as if we have control over them (and we don’t). We make the same mistake with younger children, but often we get by with it for years.
It’s Okay To Treat Them As If They are On an Adult Level?
No, it’s not.
I hope that doesn’t sound ambiguous, as this point is critical. Yes, your bright, capable teen can discuss topics with very adult language, but it doesn’t mean their judgment is at your level.
More importantly, it is critical that decision making remain with you, and is not something you leave open for dialogue. If you do so, then most teens will end up calling the shots. And that won’t end up pretty…
It doesn’t mean you are a dictator. It does mean you ask for input perhaps, but you do not ask for their opinion on your choice. You make the decision.
And you keep adult level conversations in the adult world. In divorce situations, this is particularly problematic as many parents seek comfort in the discussions they have with their adolescents about the divorce.
Not good. Seriously…not good.
Children cannot be brought into adult level dialogue about the divorce, or it will ultimately harm them. Of course, they will often want to join you there, but it doesn’t mean that it’s good for them.
Do We Control Our Children?
When things start to move out of control, what do we do? We tend to start making demands and talking to our children as if our words should control their actions.
It usually doesn’t work. Why? Because the bottom line is that we don’t control our children. The more that we end up falling into the trap of trying to control them, when we don’t have control, the more we end up in futile battles and constant struggles.
Let’s review what it sounds like when you’re really trying to control your kids, and it’s not working. It could sound like any of these comments:
- “Cut that out.”
- “Put that away.”
- “Put that down.”
- “Stop hitting your brother.”
- “You’re going to eat everything on your plate.”
- “Clean up your room.”
- “Do your homework.”
- “Get off the phone.”
You notice the theme. You’re responding and talking to your kids as if you did have control.
As adults, do we like to be talked to in this way? Of course not! And neither do your kids.
So what’s the alternative?
The alternative is to shift your focus from controlling your kids to controlling the environment. As a single parent, this is a life-saving strategy to master. This is a critical distinction that shifts your focus from the illusion of having control over your kids (because you don’t) to the reality of what you do control…your environment.
In fact, you control everything that your kids really care about. You control whether or not the electricity works, whether there is a TV or cable in the house, whether the car goes to soccer practice, whether the phone works, and even what food is in the refrigerator. You control everything that they care about.
So instead of trying to focus on controlling your kids, I encourage you to focus on controlling the environment in response to your children’s choices. If you keep your focus here, you can now control the consequences to every choice! Your children then begin to learn from the consequences of their choices.
And children going through divorce actually need those firm limits that come from your focus on controlling the environment…and not controlling them. Those limits represent security and comfort, and bring them a sense of knowing that someone is in control (and know what they are doing).
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