Children Going Through Divorce May Need More
November 28, 2009
The process of learning that your parents are separating, and that you will be living in two homes is stressful and scary for most children. The sense of uncertainty conveyed by anxious, frustrated and overwhelmed parents is an additional threat to helping children to adjust.
Yet, most parents go into the divorce without ever developing a carefully researched and thoughtful plan. Yet, the studies do clearly suggest that certain choices hurt children, and others help to protect children.
It is often the courts, and attorneys, who help do guide parents in their decision making about how to co parent and share their time with the children. Yet, when children are in crisis, parents rarely think in terms of developing a therapeutic game plan to help their child.
Why is it important to have a Therapeutic Plan in Place?
It is very important to prioritize your child’s mental health during divorce, particularly when significant changes are noted. Children can easily feel like they are lost at this time.
Parents need to be aware of any significant changes on the part of the child. Indicators of risk include:
- Sustained changes in sleeping
- Change in eating
- Staying in room, quiet and disinterested in family activity
- No interest in normal play activities
- More aggression and hostility
- Compliant child becomes non-compliant
- More sibling battles and fights
- Unable to concentrate or focus
While an initial discussion and or the actual change of residence might bring about any or all of these symptoms for a few days, parents should particularly be on the lookout for sustained changes that maintain over a few weeks.
If not treated, the child may be at risk for developing a conduct disorder, anxiety disorders and depressive disorders. Not treating conditions properly may also lead to low self-esteem, lower academic performance, problems making and keeping friends, strained family relationships, and sometimes to anti-social behavior (including drug and alcohol abuse and early sexual experiences).
When parents get divorced, the entire family unit suffers. The symptoms expressed by your child might overwhelm your family’s ability to cope. Pressure and tension may spread into other family and school relationships, and a therapeutic plan that addresses the whole family system is often helpful.
What are Options to Help My Child Cope?
Different types of treatments have been put into place for children and adolescents of divorce. Treatments are often influenced by a child’s unique situation.
Treatment options include lifestyle modifications (discussed below), behavioral management, group and individual counseling, and sometimes medication. Because divorce is a family issue, family interventions and other family therapeutic plans are often implemented. Individual therapy is sometimes recommended, including play therapy for young children, and group therapy may be appropriate for older children.
Most children and adolescents will respond well to plans that identify and focus on their unique reaction to divorce. A successful plan will also focus on their strengths, give them a consistent environment, and provide a safe place where they can openly share their feelings. In general, proper treatment is holistic and sees the vital role of the entire family.
Lifestyle modifications can be a wonderful component to behavioral management. Exercise and plenty of sleep help alleviate stress. Exercise has shown to promptly increase the levels of dopamine and norepinephrine – neurochemicals vital to calm and focused minds. Exercise also helps to decrease impulsive or reactive behaviors, as some studies say that exercise “wakes up” the frontal cortex in our brains. This is the part of the brain that helps us control our actions and exercise prudence and good judgment.
Yet it is often difficult to integrate lifestyle changes when your child is distressed. That’s where behavior management comes into play! Behavior management helps establish tools for coping, and gives parents tools for changing behavior without being controlling or confrontational.
It also encourages appropriate behaviors in the classroom and at home, and helps to provide social skills training to help your child learn to manage their emotions.
Medication may be recommended by your child’s pediatrician or psychiatrist. While medication can sometimes help alleviate your child’s response to divorce, it’s important to know some basic facts about behavior medications. First, there are many side effects. Second, parents and children who have used these medications have found that it’s not a miracle cure, but instead is often just masking the real problems.
Third, psychiatrists point out that there haven’t been enough well-designed clinical trials to adequately test pediatric medications. In fact, it is absolutely critical to note that even though researchers publish studies about potentially promising medications, very few medications have yet to receive formal approval from the licensing authorities, either in the United States or Europe.
Unfortunately, many physicians are not trained at all in behavioral psychology. Likewise, psychologists are not trained to understand medications well. Medicine and psychology are two separate disciplines that overlap in important ways, especially when it comes to treating your child’s emotional and behavioral problems. It is essential to focus on treatments that address the underlying causes, and do not just put band-aids upon the real problems.
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